'If Your Child Says No To Marriage...'

'When emotions become extremely intense, people feel compelled to act on them.

'Love and hate come from the same emotional system. Just as we obsess over things we love, we can become equally consumed by strong negative emotions,' says rediffGURU Anu Krishna, mind coach, relationship expert and co-founder of Unfear Changemakers.

Kindly note the image has been posted only for representational purposes. Photograph: Kind courtesy Fira Fatul/Pexels

A year after the high-profile murder of Raja Raghuvanshi, the alleged murder of 26-year-old Pune businessman Ketan Agarwal at Pune's Lohagarh Fort by his fiancee Siya Goyal has opened up difficult conversations about forced relationships, family pressure, emotional maturity, personal responsibility and morality.

In Ketan's case, what was initially believed to be a tragic trekking accident is now being investigated as premeditated murder.

According to investigators, Siya had informed her parents that she did not want to go ahead with the marriage. However, despite her objections, the wedding plans reportedly continued.

Police allege that Siya saw Ketan as an obstacle to her relationship with the man she loved, Chetan Babulal Chaudhary, leading to a conspiracy that ended in Ketan's death. Both Siya and Chetan, who are believed to be co-conspirators in the murder, have since been arrested.

The case has sparked widespread debate about why some individuals choose extreme solutions over difficult conversations, whether social and familial pressures contribute to such decisions and how concepts of right and wrong can become blurred when emotions, desire and personal freedom collide.

rediffGURU Anu Krishna, mind coach and the co-founder of Unfear Changemakers, discusses with Divya Nair/Rediff what drives people to take extreme decisions, the warning signs that often go unnoticed, the role of family pressure and how emotional maturity and a strong sense of right and wrong begins at home.

The reason why people like Siya take such extreme decisions

This is not the first time something like this has happened. We have seen similar cases before and it is becoming a new sort of normal that is difficult to fathom.

Why would anybody take somebody else's life?

At that moment, they are dissatisfied and unhappy with a decision. There is discomfort with something that is not aligning with them and they want to change the situation. Since they feel they cannot change it themselves, they decide to remove the other person.

In very simple terms, it is the same mindset we apply to things we do not like. If we don't like a cup of tea or coffee, we replace it. The same thinking is being applied to human life. 'I am not happy with the life partner that has been chosen for me so I want to get this person out of the way,' is what they feel.

The focus is on instant happiness. There is little thought given to the repercussions.

When emotions become extremely intense, people feel compelled to act on them.

Love and hate come from the same emotional system. Just as we obsess over things we love, we can become equally consumed by strong negative emotions.

Why does someone feel murder is the only way out?

There are always other options. A person can walk away, seek help, refuse the marriage or take a stand. Yet some people begin to see eliminating the obstacle as the solution.

The love for another person may become so strong that instead of talking about the problem, they begin thinking about removing somebody else who they see as the obstacle. And the consequences are ignored.

If someone has plotted and committed a murder, how is their reputation protected? How is their future protected?

There is a complete failure to think through these kind of repercussions.

The contrast between generations

A generation ago, arranged marriages were more common and people were told that marriage was their responsibility.

Many silently suffered through emotional abuse, domestic violence and unhappy relationships because they believed they had to continue.

Today, some young people may look at those marriages and decide they do not want that life. Fair enough. They may have learned from what they observed in their own homes.

However, if they do not want a marriage, they need to communicate that clearly and firmly. Running away is not necessarily the answer because it can create further complications.

The key issue is that they are often not taking the time to think through the consequences of their actions.

Should the younger generation be blamed?

I would not generalise. Many young people adopt marriage beautifully. Others choose different relationship structures. There are many shades and variations.

However, when we see situations like this, we wonder why something as simple as recognising an unhealthy relationship becomes so difficult.

There is no necessity to enter a relationship when you are not ready for it. The problem is that many people may not even realise they are not ready.

Not everyone reaches emotional maturity at the same pace. Some people need more time before they are ready for marriage. They should be given that time instead of being pushed into decisions they are not prepared for.

The need for a neutral third person to resolve the conflict

When there are differences between parents and children, I strongly believe a third, independent person should be brought in.

Parents often believe they know what is best for their child.

On the other hand, children believe their parents do not understand them.

When there is no meeting point/consensus, an unbiased person can help both sides understand each other.

This person could be an elder family member, a counsellor or a mental health professional. Their role is not to take sides but to help both parties reach common ground.

At the very least, such intervention can preserve relationships and prevent situations from escalating.

The role of accomplices and warning signs

Whether it is a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend or any other person involved, there are always red flags before something goes terribly wrong.

If someone talks about harming another person, that itself is a red flag.

If there has already been an attempt to cause harm, that is a major warning sign.

The problem is that people become blind because of love. They ignore signs that should alarm them.

Emotional withdrawal, secrecy, hidden communication, sudden behavioural changes -- these signs are often present.

My appeal to anyone caught in such situations is simple: Watch out for the red flags. Love should never become more important than your own life or future.

If you knowingly help someone commit a crime, then you have chosen that path and must face the consequences.

Are young people losing their sense of morality?

There is certainly a great deal of rage around us today. The content people consume plays a significant role.

Children are not being taught to think independently. They are constantly exposed to content that normalises harmful behaviour and there is very little gatekeeping. Social media algorithms repeatedly show them the same kind of content, reinforcing their existing beliefs.

Over time, this creates confirmation bias. People begin to believe that whatever they think is the absolute truth.

Any challenge to that belief feels like an attack, which can lead to anger, rebellion and sometimes violence.

Many people can justify even the most extreme actions because they have consumed content that validates those beliefs.

This does not apply to everyone but a significant amount of unfiltered content is affecting impressionable minds.

The importance of teaching values early

The concepts of right and wrong must be taught at home.

Children need to learn core values such as honesty, responsibility, respect and empathy from an early age. While perspectives may differ, certain values should remain non-negotiable.

Parents cannot assume that schools, social media or society will teach these lessons.

A message to parents

If your child says no to a marriage, please stop and ask why. Listen before imposing your own views.

Do not push your children into situations that leave them feeling trapped or desperate.

Emotional maturity develops at home and in school. Even if you are a working parent, spend time talking to your child every day. It could be just 10 minutes but those conversations matter.

You will often notice when something is going wrong if you are paying attention.

The earlier you help children understand emotions, anger, disappointment and relationships, the better equipped they will be to handle life as adults.

Do not simply tell them not to get angry or not to express themselves. Teach them how to express emotions in a healthy way. Anger, too, can be channelled constructively.

The responsibility begins long before children reach marriageable age. It begins when they are very young.